Effects of your abuse
How does your abuse affect your partner?
It’s important to face up to how your behaviour affects your partner. The more you can empathise with her, the harder it is to behave badly towards her.
Health and physical effects:
Your behaviour is likely to be having a serious effect on your partner’s health. If you’ve used physical violence, you’ve probably caused injuries. These might include:
· Stiffness, soreness, aching, throbbing, numbness
· Headaches
· Cuts and other wounds
· Black eyes and bruising
· Hair being pulled out
· Burst ear drums
· Broken bones
In some cases women have been killed or permanently disabled by their partners.
Even if you haven’t been physically violent, your partner may have developed physical problems as a result of your abuse, such as:
· Feeling physically tense
· Having difficulty sleeping
· Feeling exhausted
· Having panic attacks, palpitations
In some cases women have said that:
· Their periods stopped
· They caught Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) from their partners
· They were physically sick
Some women developed negative ways of coping such as:
· Using alcohol/drugs/cigarettes
· Self-harming
· Developing eating disorders
Some women have tried to kill themselves. Some women have succeeded.
How abuse makes women feel
As well as the physical effects, abuse also has an impact on women’s emotional well-being. She may feel more and more:
· Stressed
· Vulnerable
· Depressed
· Ashamed
· Drained
· Terrified
· Confused
· Nervous
· Hurt
· Unloved
· Worthless
· Destroyed
· Scared
· Humiliated
· Lost
Abuse destroys trust and wrecks relationships
You’ve probably noticed that your relationship is suffering as a result of your behaviour. It sounds obvious, but it’s impossible for anyone to feel the same about their partner when they’re being abused, however hard they might try to pretend things are ok.
Although all relationships are different, what tends to happen is that the woman who’s being abused ends up:
· Walking on egg shells, terrified of when the abuse might start up again
· Trying to pacify you or agreeing with you to try and stop you getting abusive again
· Being quiet and not sharing things with you
· Bottling things up
· Lying to protect themselves (and the kids)
· Losing all sexual feelings
How many times does it take for your partner to see you as an abuser?
In the eyes of the person you have abused, you only need to do it once to be an abuser!
How are your kids affected by your abuse of your partner?
You may have kids of your own or be a stepfather to your partner’s kids. Think about all of the children who might be affected by your abuse.
A lot of people kid themselves that children aren’t really aware of the domestic violence that is going on in their family. But studies show that in 90% of cases the children are in the same or next room.
Think about all the ways your children might be exposed to your abuse. Which of these apply to them?:
-Hearing the violence and abuse
-Seeing the violence and abuse
-Being woken up or kept awake by your arguing
-Intervening – trying to protect their brothers / sisters / mother
-Getting hurt trying to intervene, or by getting caught up in the violence
-Seeing bruises or smashed furniture the next day
-Being brought into arguments – being used to ridicule or humiliate their mother
-Being used to divide loyalties, or to hold back or pass on information between you
-Being forced to take part in or to witness the violence and abuse
-Knowing their mother is distressed, depressed, angry, sulking or jumpy afterwards
-Being isolated from grandparents or mum’s friends
-Experiencing direct violence
-Experiencing unpredictable behaviour from one or both of their parents
-Experiencing neglect from one or both of their parents
-Being told to leave the house or stay out to avoid the violence
-Knowing that their mum is anxious and scared when you are due home
-Knowing they must be different when you are around to avoid “triggering” the violence
-Knowing that your violence is the thing to fear – 'Just wait till your father gets home'
-Knowing that their mum is tired and worn out and doesn't have the energy for them
-Knowing that this is something that mustn't be talked about at any cost, especially outside
-Having to keep the violence a secret
-Knowing that some of the arguments are about them
-Having to leave temporarily or permanently for mum’s and their own safety
-Having to stay in a refuge
-Having to see you in a contact centre
-Being made subject of child protection investigations or court proceedings
-Being teased or otherwise stigmatised by other children who know about the violence
-Having to comfort mum afterwards
-Having to call the police or get help
You may not realise the devastating effect that violence and abuse has on children. Even if your children haven’t seen you be violent or abusive, it is almost certain that they will have overheard things. Imagine how terrifying it is to hear your mother being abused, not to know how it will end and not to be able to stop it.
Increasingly studies have shown that children suffer long-term harm if they live with violence and abuse at home, even if the abuse isn’t directed at them. Some of the effects include:
Physical effects
· Being physically hurt in the ‘cross-fire’
· Having injuries
· Sleep deprivation
· Loss of concentration
· Bed-wetting
· Developing eating disorders
· Having panic attacks
· Stress and tension
Emotional effects
· Fear
· Anger
· Distrust
· Anxiety
· Becoming jumpy / unable to relax
· Low self-esteem
· Loss of childhood
· Psychological problems
Effects of secrecy and stigmatisation
· Withdrawal
· Losing friends
· Isolation
· Losing contact with family
Effects on behaviour
· Models him/herself on your violent behaviour
· Becomes violent to their mum
· Bullies other children
· Expects / accepts abuse – is bullied at school
· Steals or breaks the law in other ways
· Drinks alcohol, takes drugs
· Gets into trouble
· Does poorly in school work
· Misses time from school
Did you witness or overhear your mother being abused?
Or can you imagine how you would have felt?
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